When I entered Wheaton College in the spring of 2009 I was terrified. Terrified I would not fit in or never make friends. I was terrified that I would not succeed, that I would fail a test, hell even fail a class. I thought that my years before me defined who I was and there was not chance of change. I would just continue the same path I had always been on. Before college, I thought mistakes were an excuse to not try. I let fear hold me back from success.
I was right to be terrified. There were times when I did not fit in. There were people I would never make friends with. I failed test after test and yes I failed classes. I made so many mistakes in my five years of college that I can't even remember the girl I was who first entered that spring of '09, scared of the unknown, unwilling to try.
I took fear and ran with it. For fives years, on and off, I would let fear be my motivation and I would let fear be my downfall. I imprisoned myself and I freed myself all at the same time. I influenced others and I let others influence me. It is easy to say I learned much more about myself that I anticipated. I knew college was about "growing up", finding yourself, and all that crap. I was told they were going to be my golden years and to treasure it.I thought it was all a bunch of bullshit. At the bright age of 19 I was not able to look far enough to the future and realize that in just one year everything can change.
With hesitance and worry I began my freshman year. I choose to focus on the excitement of living in a co-ed dorm, finding someone 21+ to buy my friends and me booze, and possibly joining a dance group on campus. I wanted to party and socialize. I wanted so badly to be "cool" and be noticed. My high school years were traumatizing because I was bullied and misunderstood. I often gravitated towards the wrong people because I simply wanted to be SOMEONE inside of the NOBODY I convince myself I was. I thought that by setting aside my morals and giving into temptations that I would find myself. By doing so, I actually lost myself. As freshman year progressed I let go of some insecurities and opened my eyes to the possibility of becoming a different person, a better version of myself.
Throughout my time at Wheaton the excitement of co-ed living quickly faded because living with friends or strangers, boys or girls, would constantly be a challenge. I eventually tuned 21 and no longer needed to pled upperclassmen to get me a 12-pack. I changed my major and I changed myself. Instead of praying I would get into a dance group I ended up participating and eventually being in charge of so many dance groups I had no time for anything else. I went from the quiet Dance Company understudy who stood in the back of the studio hoping to not be noticed to the senior Co-Captain of Dance Company, secretary of TRYBE,and administrator of the dance studio calendar. I pushed myself to the front, I took every opportunity to choreograph, teach, or rehearse, and I became a confident young adult who had found her place. Everything I thought I knew and I wanted freshmen year would be turned upside down by the time I graduated.
There is so much I have not shared. My sophomore and junior years, my super-senior year, specific lessons learned.People I met who will forever have a vast impact on my life, whether I am still friends with them or not. Everyday at Wheaton I learned something new, tried something different, succeed and failed. Those stories are to follow.
In five years of college I gained knowledge. It was both academic and spiritual. I learned from others and I hope others learned from me. I do not have it "right" yet. I've experience endless "Ah-ha" moments and ephipanies. I have made promises to myself that I have both kept and broken, but it is not what you have done in your past that defines you, but what you choose to do with your future.
"Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure... than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat."
-Theodore Roosevelt
